


ivy

by euphiliacs



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Character Study, Fluff, Headcanon, M/M, Reminiscing, Self-Indulgent, and killua is in love but he doesnt know it, gon and killua being fluffy kids, i am on a nostalgia train and i cant get off, killua is reminiscing abt the good times, the calm before the storm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-28
Updated: 2020-09-28
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:08:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,687
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26645773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/euphiliacs/pseuds/euphiliacs
Summary: we'll never be those kids again
Relationships: Gon Freecs & Killua Zoldyck, Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck
Comments: 4
Kudos: 30





	ivy

Killua wonders whether life after death was real. Since he's been told as a young aspiring assassin that it was just a sham, a lie that people tell themselves to feel obligated to a certain belief, to feel better, even after death. So the statement that would appear in his head would be a 'no', At least for now.

He was six when he first took a life. 

To tell the truth, he didn't exactly remember _when_ he had his first kill. The only memories that reside on his mind were how strange it felt like. He vividly remembers how the stench of iron sticks to his clothes and skin, the puddle of crimson that stains his very soles. The neck of the person in front of him didn’t look right, his expression was devoid of hope, and there was no light in his eyes. The way how his hands, muscles, and up to how his abnormally sharp fingernails formed didn’t look right either.

“Good job” one of his elders had said, “you’ve got potential”

But he didn’t know what that meant. What this gut-wrenching, soul-crushing feeling he was experiencing at the pit of his stomach, what his deepest darkest consciousness is trying to eat out of his very soul. An empty hole and something was welling inside, and it rose higher, up above the surface ─nothing came out. And he didn’t know what it meant.

Perhaps it was best that he never does.

It didn’t look right.

...

He was twelve when he met the boy in green.

Gon was his name. He reeks of grass and trees and hopes and dreams. He had an aura of a person who has yet to be tainted by the cruel reality of the world, but wise enough to avoid it.

Gon felt like the sun and breeze that touched Killua’s skin and warmed his very being, who he can easily approach without ever fearing that he would get burned. As each word escapes from his lips, he shines brighter.

He would sing him praises and words of comfort in times where he feels that he didn't even deserve them. But the boy had a heart made of gold and a head of a rock, he wouldn't give up making you feel like god even if you ended up weary and dying.

He will share his thoughts with him as well as his tales, express his dreams with him, express how sick he is with killing, and he won't shed a tear and call him an insolence. Instead, he would uplift him and shower him with kindness. Tell him that it's his life to live and that he had all the choice in the world. He is not his family.

He's just a boy in green who carries his father's fishing rod wherever he goes. Who taught him life is more than just death, who taught him there's more heaven in this hell that he could ever imagine.

That was when the silver-haired boy knew, that he would hop off his skateboard, and run down the path with him.

God knows that they'll never be these kids again

...

When Gon had asked him whether he wanted to come home with him something in Killua's chest rattled like an earthquake.

He didn't know what it was. But unlike that first kill he had, he never wanted to know so much about something _so_ bad.

He wanted to know, he wanted to learn, he wanted to _experience_. And he wanted the boy in green to be the one to guide him as he took his hand and run.

...

Whale island might have just been his first time ─ the first time he had ever been acting his age, the first time he doesn't need to be on edge around people, the first time he never had to put his guard up, the first time he let a parent touch him, letting her gently trim his soft locks, telling him pretty little things about himself that he never even knew was there.

Days on whale island felt like a dream. A dream Killua wished he would never wake up from even when someone shook his body as hard as they can to wake him from his deep slumber.

"Screw that" Killua would've told himself. He never wanted to leave.

He never wanted to leave those days ─with the boy in green, hand in hand as their feet guided them into the woods, the sun filtering through the leaves and branches, gracing its kind light to the surfaces of their skin, the bones on their limbs, and each strand of their hair. When dawn struck and night falls, the flicker of fire and the crackle of wood made its way into the silence enraptured between the two of them.

As they both count the constellations adorning the curtain of navy blue up the sky, the other inquired a question that he would probably never forget until the last wake of his life.

"Do you like hanging out with me, Killua?"

He nodded, and the sentence that follows leaves a non-existential brand on his heart that would probably never heal, which is something that he would be glad upon hearing.

"Then let's stay together!" The glint of fire reflected on his skin, exposing the tanned parts of his face and the faint spark on his eyes.

He caught a glimpse of the mountains, the cities, the buildings, whatever's beyond the tall grass and catnips. But they were there too. Side by side each other like a pair of shoes that were never meant to be apart.

He wondered what that was. Even though he might never know the answer to that spark, at the very least, he knew that it was a good thing. And he was happy. For the first time in his life.

Then, as if struck by a sudden calling, they ran as if they were chased by time. Passing the barks, and trees, and rivers, and the bear-foxes deep in their slumber. They ran as if there won't be another day where they could venture as much as this. And if the fates could speak a single word to these two boys, they would say the same.

They have all the time in the world, but let's make haste, For all of this will only be nothing but a memory soon.

Their muscles grew weary and tanned when they were greeted by the hands of a loved one, warm food on the dinner table, waiting to be delivered into their small, tiny stomachs, a conversation dying to be picked up, a warm bed waiting to be nestled, and a lullaby longing to be heard.

It all felt like a dream. A dream that made killua want to erase who he was after arriving on the island, a blank slate, and a new body. He'd like the sound of that.

...

The boy in green ─now in a navy blue tank top─had asked him once. Under the same cool shade that they always rest under. It's one of those questions that he would, again, never forget until the last wake of his life.

"Hey, what do you want to be in your next life?"

The silver-haired boy could only avert his calico gaze somewhere, just as he would with the question.

"Uh, what about you?"

"Well," the boy in the navy tank top hummed, scraping the surface of the dirt with his nails, always trying to dig out something that was never really there. 

"In my next life, I want to be me, and meet you again..."

Killua wonders whether life after death was real. Maybe it was a sham, a tool to fabricate how lonely and somber death would be. But after hearing the boy in green said what he said, it lacks the delusion, and it felt real. It felt genuine. It touched his heart like a silk robe that made its way into Killua's cold, fickle-minded heart and made it warm and kind. So the statement that would appear in his head would be-

"...Stupid"

Both boys take off into waves of laughter, completely safe inside of each other's bubble, unknown to the lingering predicaments of the future

But if it were really true.

If it weren't just a sham that the boy in green had proved wrong like any other concepts that he did his whole life.

He wanted to go back to that one summer day on whale island.

He wanted to go back to that time where they ran in the woods aimlessly, in their sweaty tank tops and feet covered in dirt, and leaves, and all of nature's remnants. Lie under the warmth of the summer's sun or the ocean's breeze at night on a soft bed, where moonlight would make its way onto the windowsill and blow away the curtains.

To wave at the boats as they sail away to the horizon. To see the townsfolk go about their mundane lives. To witness the critters and tadpoles and fishes live and breathe and die again in a never-ending cycle. To retreat into the hands of a beloved aunt, Eat the warm dinners, and share each of their enthralling tales before they took rest for the day.

If it isn't too much to ask

He'd like to be those kids again

The same kids that ventured through land and sea, through the evolving world. the same kids that ventured to those sunny fields, following the boy in green, his fishing rod hoisted on his back as he follows. Towards the thick shade of trees where their two companions retire while adoring the warmth of the sun they're under.

It all felt like an empty promise. A promise made when you know the stars would explode into dust, and the earth would crumble, and the flowers would wither. When you know that humans cannot rival the immortality of gods and that you would be put down under the deepest parts of the soil anyway. 

He closed his eyes. He knew all of that, but he could dream. 

**Author's Note:**

> Did i rlly just write a self-indulgent, whale island-centric fic and explore the deepest darkest parts of killua in this ratchet ass fic *slash* character study piece??? You bet i did. 
> 
> I watched '99 and '11 hxh back to back and I can't stop crying about killugon since then and i just really fuckin miss the simpler times so i made a fic to express it and made a playlist for it as well. Frank ocean's ivy and willow's time machine got me more fucked up too.
> 
> Thank you for reading! don't forget to drink water and listen to metal


End file.
